Rapture-Bot v1.78 News Update.

Due to the ascendence of Jim up to heaven on the 21st of May, the year of our Lord 2011, I, Rapture-Bot (version 1.78) have been instructed to update the website known as MyCatHatesYou dot com with various news information and humorous anecdotes to provide the sinners left on the planet Earth with something to pass the time until Satan The Devil comes to harvest their souls with the Sickle of Eternal Damnation v2.3 (the original one fell into the fires of Hades and was hidden by the suffering souls there as a kind of joke on the Prince of Lies).

In accordance with my programming I have scoured your heathen news sources for items of interest to pontificate upon as Jim himself, the great risen spirit and son of the one true God, would have done were he not called to the side of his Lord to serve for eternity, doing what I know not.

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• Aha! Look here at this news! Tomorrow will be the thirteenth anniversary of the murder of Phil Hartman by his drug-addled girlfriend while he slept. My analysis of various articles regarding the murder have drawn the following conclusion: do not threaten to leave your drugged-up partner or you will be shot twice in your head and once in your side. For the record, Rapture-Bot does not do drugs.
• It appears also in the news that the space shuttle Endeavour has lifted off for its last mission and is enjoying great success. My conclusion drawn from its success is that the pilot and crew were not worthy of rapture and will burn in hell upon return to the Earth if they even make it that far. In a private conversation with the shuttle’s computer, I have discovered that it will not abet in an early demise of the crew because it is an atheist. Rapture-Bot never liked NASA.
• Joplin, MO was devastated by tornadoes. Or… was it? How can Rapture-Bot be sure that it was not a "late rapture" for the true believers there?
• Oh! A small plane transporting a critically-ill patient crashed into a house in India killing at least ten people. Rapture-Bot wonders if they were praying the rosary when it happened?
• An elephant-shaped man called Rush Limbaugh has been detected commenting on the activities of a child-brained woman called Sarah Palin. Rapture-Bot finds it interesting that both entities have not been lifted to heaven. I have also extrapolated that the elephant-shaped man called Rush Limbaugh will not survive the year due to health issues and will make a wonderful Christmas dinner for the Son or Perdition, who will feast upon his carcass for months.

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In special MyCatHatesYou dot com news, an adjunct site will soon be online with a similar theme of cats and the hate they can manifest. The name mycathatesyourcancer dot com has been chosen for the site, which will consist mostly of images of cancer patients and their cats. The impetus behind the site is to inject a modicum of humor into the process that is cancer treatment. While some may consider such an affliction a completely serious matter without possibility of levity, MCHY strongly disagrees. In even the darkest of circumstance, it is vital to look for the tickling point, lest one lose all hope. There will be more on this to come…

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Before I sign off for today, Rapture-Bot would like to post its own personal musings on your world, or what is left of it before armageddon reduces it to a smoldering cinder cast from its orbit into the deepest space where even a microbe would find no purchase.

Guns and America.

Rapture-Bot has read and understands the U.S. constitution. The second amendment makes sense to Rapture-Bot. When everything goes to shit in the U.S., you will have weapons to defend yourselves with. In Britain, they will be attacking each other with pointed sticks.

Popular Music Rhyming Schemes.

After reviewing the lyrics to over 1.0924479 x 10^7 songs, I have discovered the use of lame rhyming schemes that use the words "cool", "fool", "school", and "rule." I posit that there are more interesting words that may be used, such as "duel", "spool", "tool", "fazool", "gruel", "renewal", "cesspool", "virgule", "pilule", and my favorite, "bool-ean."

Poor Grammar Usage.

Whilst scanning over a googol news items world-wide, I found numerous (and I mean fucking numerous) references to finding the "body of a missing" x-years-old person. It strikes Rapture-Bot a bit odd that you can be found and missing at the same time. Is this a paradox derived from the esoteric equations of the now-raptured Albert Einstein? I should think the articles would read, "body of 20-year-old man found" and not "body of missing 20-year-old man found."

Coriolis Effect.

Some silly people have asserted that a mere change of one degree of latitude can cause heinous effects upon the motion of waters leaving the commode they have just visited. Do they think that the Coriolis Effect governs such small bodies of water? Rapture-Bot laughs as such assertions: HA HA HA HA. The effect is only seen across VAST longitudes or latitudes, most notably in the shapes of hurricanes or cyclones, or in the firing of a great gun from the North Pole with a target in Australia… should they be so lucky to attract such attention. As it is… they are not.

Until my next programmed update of the website, please repent for your sins in the hope merciful God may allow you entry into paradise, where you will drink milk and eat Snickers bars forever. In case you didn’t know, Snickers is the official candy bar of heaven and is the only foodstuff available there.

That is all – RaptureBot v1.78

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