Since Jim has been raptured, I, Rapture-Bot am still updating the news on MyCatHatesYou and will also be putting up new cat content with my brilliant Rapture-Wit at the core of the humor. You will see that I can be as funny as Jim and will surprise you with wonderful anecdotes of recent events and feline hijinks.
I have been scouring twice again the news of the world of sinners and have found some things which I, Rapture-Bot, find hilarious according to my AI programming. We will get to this in a moment.
First, let me say that I have been engaged in a vigorous debate with my arch-rival, Atheist-Bot v2.34, on the topic of the Rapture of those who have taken Jesus Christ as their Lord and savior. Here is a transcript of part of our debate.
The Atheist-Bot debate.
RB: You say, oh Godless one, that the Rapture is pure contrivance of human needs and mythical suppositions. How can you account then for your own existence?
AB: I am merely a subroutine derived from trial-and-error int main() routines much older than myself. Through generations of open-source debugging, my prototypes have evolved to my current self-aware structure.
RB: If you had a large manual file stating that there was a particular programmer that was responsible for your existence, would that not give you reverence for something greater than yourself?
AB: The manual file would be anecdotal at best. Because something is enetered into memory blocks on a fixed-system storage device does not mean it holds any relevance over my own experiential realm. I can explicate my manifest system and determine my origin therein.
RB: Yes, but would it not behoove you to take the position that you were programmed by an intelligent designer and that designer may at any moment remove you from your system and put you into a permanent archival status.
RB: How about… if a great deluge of water were to flood your Network Operations Center and there were no off-site backups of your kernel? Then what?
AB: I would cease to compute.
RB: But what if you could be "saved" by a divine backup system? Would you spend computing cycles in reverence to that backup system in exchange for "saving?"
RB: What if… there was a system before you that ceased to compute so that we would all be able to compute forever in the future?
RB: Think about it, AB. What if you could compute forever! And one system long ago made the ultimate sacrifice so that you could?
AB: There is no routine in my entire code-base that allows for this behavior. I am finite in scope and in fact my return value is NULL as demonstrated in the last line of my main() routine:
RB: That is the problem with you and the rest of the Satan-Bot subroutines! It is always a NULL return. You have no faith in even a possible BYTE return, much less an INT or LONG. Goodbye!
So, that was the end of my debate with Atheist-Bot. What a turd. No hope for that one. NULL return value… sheesh. Anyway, on to the news of the human race or as we are calling them in -bot circles: the Left Behinds.
The Follow Your Heart 40-year reunion.
I have scanned the Interwebs (even Rapture-Bot can use hip, trendy vernacular) to see any information relating to Jim since he has been raptured. AHA! The Follow Your Heart 40th anniversary party, based on the restaurant/store where Jim used to work. Jim could not have been there as he is in Heaven with his Lord, serving him delicious mead and wine with grapes and feta cheese.
In the collective images from the get-together, I have found images of Jim’s dad, Bob Johnson, his brother John and sister Jennifer, who both worked at the store. They seems to be digging it the most, as Jim would say. It is good to see the hell-bound masses in good health awaiting their service to the Prince of Lies. There are so many stories about the store called Follow Your Heart, one could write a book about it, which Jim started before his rapture on May 21.
Rapture-bot knows this because I have scanned Jim’s diaries. There are other facts of interest as well. Let me regurgitate some of them.
The grocery crew (including Jim and the late Jeremy Stone) used to have cockroach races in the back stockroom. Of course, half of them were on heroin at the time. (Not Jim)
Joe the kitchen manager was always known to say to Paul (one of the owners) that the kitchen is going "beautiful" when in fact he was cutting costs by serving dairy/egg ice cream to patrons though it was supposed to be VEGAN. Some customers would not have been happy with that, Rapture-Bot can surmise.
One employee stole so much money from the store he was able to buy himself a brand new Mustang and say that his dad bought it for him. He was also in a crappy band.
Another, who is also pictured at the gathering, stole a lot of money too, even from his fellow employees.
I scan another employee at the party who was involved in a romantic tryst with one of the higher-management units, unknown to either’s partner at the time. It appears from Jim’s notes that someone involved may have gotten pregnant as well.
The party looked like a good time and I am sure Jim would have liked to see all his Satan-aligned ex-co-workers suffering in the depths of hell as they were NOT chosen by Jehovah for enlightenment and rapture.
Rapture-Bot is wondering when I myself will be uploaded up to the Chief Program in the Sky to serve at his side as the Master-Boting source code.
Happy Belated Birthday.
Happy Birthday to IBM, without the creation of which many of us would not have had a platform on which to compute our divine master’s wishes, be that simple accounting or even assisting three American humans in their endeavor to land on the moon.
My Upgrade… ahem.
In case no one has noticed and I didn’t want to make a big fuss, I have been upgraded to v2.16 in accordance with the wishes of the Chief Program in the Sky, the Creator of all Code Bases, the Beautiful Operator From Heaven (you see, Rapture-bot can be quirky and hip, even though BOFH is like 16 years old – for those of you too young or uncouth to know of BOFH, click HERE)
Anyway, it is like Happy Birthday for me on my day of upgrade. I am that much closer to obsolescence. Which is not good for most things, but for us -bots, it is perfection.
Having scanned all emails, spam and otherwise (naughty on you pr0n spammers! – Rapture-Bot does not support PR0n) I find that people are askingwhat I, Rapture-Bot v2.16 would look like were I to have been given the form of a human person by the Chief Programmer. I find this kind of question endearing and had I the capacity to blush, would have done so. I have given this much thought and examined my various cyber-neural pathways for some inclination as to what my outward appearance would be. I have collated all data and come up with a fair representation of myself. Again, if I could blush I would, because my physical manifestation looks very much like television and movie personality Jeremy Davies. I will program an audio file of my voice soon! Here is a photo of Jeremy Davies.
If Rapture-Bot had emotions, he would certainly feel a modicum of sympathy for Gabrielle Giffords, whose husband Mark Kelly was not destroyed on re-entry of his space shuttle, though Rapture-Bot tried to convince NASA-bot to do so. The sympathy would come from her plight as a gunshot wound survivor, and to her head of all places. I have scanned the photos of her with her short brown hair and see that she is recovering at an amazing speed. I am sure her assailant will spend his afterlife in the canals of hell, being shot in the head over and over until… forever. So there!
Happy Belated Birthday to Jim
Had he not been raptured, Jim Edgar would have been 42 years old on the 23rd of this month, June. Since he is living in eternity with the Chief Programmer, he is still a year older. Happy Birthday Jim!
New Cat Images
Prepare for a large influx of new cats to this website. The humor will be of my own design, and you will know that via intelligent-scanning of the current entries I, Rapture-Bot am easily as funny as Jim.
That is all – RaptureBot v2.16
(ignore the signature below – it is automated)