Hey all! Just wanna drop a quick one to say, no I am not dead. I will tell you when I am dead.
We have been hard at work here at MCHY to bring you v4.0 of the website, hopefully up very soon. I will get into that more in the next news update, which will be tomorrow probably, along with the latest MCHY video news clip in which we investigate Feline Astrology, as promised in the last one.
I have JUST this very minute finished re-viewing all 4,602 entries on MCHY in preparation for the new site and the distribution of content to providers such as Flickr, etc. I had to pull some of the images because they sucked. Many many more I reformatted, typo-corrected, content-corrected, image-corrected, and just generally cleaned up. Got rid of a bunch of dupes as well. After 11 years, the trash sort of piles up and needs a good douching. SO, that was 50 hours of the last week well spent in addition to the day job. UGH!
More tomorrow! And I got those 50 or so cats to get up as well with YOUR captions. Did I mention that there is going to be a USER section of the new site where YOUR stuff is gonna go? Yes, it is true!
MCHY has always been somewhere on the edge of feline insanity, existing in those little spaces your cat puts its paw, searching under the fridge or behind the dryer. We will never be anywhere else; what good would we do there?
When Puddy runs into the livingroom and starts jumping around for no obvious reason, scratching at things with wild abandon, you can blame us and should. We are in that space with them, instigating with unquestionable intent. When Jehovah created Cat, it was not for your benefit and shame on you for thinking such, when in fact the opposite is true.
This is a bit of how it actually went down.
<In The Beginning>
In the beginning God created the heavens, Earth, disco (which he regretted later privately to Moses, who had no idea what he was talking about), and the perfection that was the Garden of Eden and its infamous inhabitants.
Adam and Eve frolicked around the Garden, eating berries, petting lambs and such. Life couldn’t have been better until they committed the BIG ONE and found themselves outcast and forsaken, forced to roam the land outside the Garden wearing fig leaves, having sex in caves and reminiscing about the good ol’ days. But besides the usual domestic quarrels, things weren’t so bad.
Some time later, God was hanging out with some of his archangels, drinking port wine and listening to a mean Ravi Shankar solo when he looked down on Earth and saw that the first couple were having an okay go at it. Spitting his wine all over Michael, he blurted out his disgust.
“Michael, look at that shit, mon! They have been kicked out of paradise and are not enduring their due suffering.”
Michael wiped himself off and grumbled. “Well, Father, what are we to do?”
“Feh! These two are dumber than I thought, and I think… well, I think A LOT.”
God refilled his glass and sat for a while, stroking his dreadlocks and silently pondering his next move. He had banished the sinners from paradise and even gave them a terrible ass-rash on the way out. How bad does it have to get before they were truly miserable?
Archangel Johnson broke the silence. “Father, how about creating Cat?”
“Be quiet, honky!” Jehovah thundered. “That is the stupidest thing I ever heard. Now let me think.” He sat, and he thought. Finally he erupted with laughter and spit his wine all over Michael again.
“Me damn it! I’ve got it! I’ll create Cat! Michael, Johnson, get your brothers, as this is what I want you to do.”
They gathered and they listened.
Adam sat far below, perched on a rock picking his latest infestation of lice from his hair and throwing them into a pile, counting them as he did so. Since numbers had not been invented, he could only get to one before he had to start over. Eve appeared behind him.
“Adam! Get off your lazy ass and come here, I want to show you something,” she said.
“It’s not another apple, is it?” he quipped. Eve gave him that look and walked away. Adam got off his rock and followed her.
“Well, what is it Eve? I was almost to what comes after one.”
“Who cares, you idiot. Call it two if you want. Now look here what I have found, beside this tree.”
He followed her gaze and was startled. What is it, he thought? I have never seen such a creature. Is it another work of Satan, the Prince of Darkness, the Master of Lies?
Eve bent over and touched it, stroked it. It made only a simple sound.
Adam shrugged and walked back to his lice counting. Eve picked up the beast to be known as Cat and sat under the tree, cuddling and cooing at it until it became bored with her and leapt from her arms, only to sit and lick itself a few feet away.
As time dragged on, Eve became enamored with the vain, self-centered beast and gave it a name – now long forgotten – and spent time confiding in it when trouble arose between Adam and herself. Cat would feign interest if food was involved, but otherwise could have cared less.
Adam cared even less for Cat, often tossing old walnuts and small pebbles at it, delighted by the sudden leaps into the air it would make when startled. That is, when he was not busy trying to invent three.
This is when Cat decided this was bullshit. It was created to annoy and generally disrupt the life of Adam the Dimwitted and Eve the Haranguer, but found itself not caring to be involved with the dysfunctional duo in any respect, much less waste time trying to make their lives miserable when in fact the opposite was true.
And so Cat wandered off, leaving Eve with a case of separation anxiety and Adam without a target for walnuts. It was eventually granted its own mate by Jehovah and has been here ever since, its original mission still embedded in the mystical double helix – buried, but not forgotten – as we shall see.
</In The Beginning>
So, you see, it is not in your purview to examine that which you believe is yours. It is not yours, it is ours; that of us and the Heavenly Father.
Yes, we must say goodbye to a gaggle of human folks in this blog entry, though we wish we did not have to. Let us begin.
Fellow best-selling author Jeffrey Zaslow dies after losing control of his car and being squished by a truck in Michigan. For all those from elsewhere that come to Seattle and gripe about how awesome they are at driving in the snow where they are from and we suck, take note.
The creator of Lemonheads and atomic Fireballs, Nello Ferrara, passes away in Illinois. Not from driving on the snow.
Janice Voss, lifelong NASA gal and five-time Space Shuttle astro, dies in Scottsdale, AZ. We at MCHY have a special affinity for NASA and their family. A very sad MCHY farewell to Janice.
Another skier, Jill Boothe, dies in Carson City, Nevada, at 75. What is with skiers dying these days? Did you know Carson City is the capital of Nevada and once housed a U.S. mint?
Another NASA alum, Roger Boisjoly, passes at the age of 73 in Nephi, Utah. He was known as the whistleblower that brought the potential deadly consequences of Space Shuttle design to his superiors. He was ignored and on Jan 28, 1986, those fears were realized in the disintegration of the Challenger just over a minute into its mission.
The last known veteran of World War I, Florence Green, dies in England at the age of 110. She must have been a raw food vegan to have lived that long!
Zalman King, softcore cable porn master, dies at 70. Where would the Red Shoe Diaries be without Zalman?
Character actor Ben Gazzara dies at 81 years young. If you don’t know who he is, you suck. Look him up. A loss for the family.
Ellie Ann Smith of Seattle, WA, dies at the age of 29.
And the elephant in the room is of course, the pop diva Whitney Houston, who took her last bath at the age of 48 years old in Beverly Hills, CA. We all know the train wreck known as W.H. so no need to explicate it here.
If you are not involved in the phenomenon, straight out of the seventies, then take off hoser and ignore the following video where I show you how easy it is to master the gridiron. I also dance in my 70’s jacket and my underwear. Not a tribute to Thomas Mapother III, who I call "the lesser of two Mapothers" because his cousin William is such a better actor. I recently saw "Another Earth" in which William played the leading male role and nailed it. It was not as Sci-Fi as I had hoped, but it was riveting and the last 10 seconds were the clincher. I love shit like that.
Now that I think about it, does he not resemble the Master of the other Gridiron (but with a bit more hair), Eli Manning (also known as the Lesser of Two Mannings), MVP and winning QB of Super Bowl XLVI?
Though MCHY supports the Seattle Seahawks, we are a NFC-supporter, so this game was particularly enjoyable as the Giants of New York laid waste to the Patriots of New England. A great game and well-played by both teams, but not so much by Tom Brady. Yeah, his wife is a hot Brazilian, but he still lost.
So, back to the video madness! Enjoy the SudoKu lesson from the master known as Jim.
Welcome to February, 2012! Only ten months left to live! The ass steroid is coming, so we are preparing a special batch of MCHY Lube-a-Dube-Dube in 50 gallon drums. Look folks, when the end is near, you don’t wannt be unprepared for the big anal reaming, do you?
If you were not unfortunate enough to download our year in review, which was hosed by YouTube because I had some copyrighted music in it, you can get the February audio/video update below! The way I saw it, Amy Winehouse is dead, why does she care if I steal her wonderful rehab song? Well, I got around THAT bullshit by using music given to me from some U.K. djs in exchange for use of MCHY pictures on the fliers for their gigs. Suck ballsac, ASCAP! Don’t forget to wait for the end where the McDonald’s guy has to deal with "I WANT HALAL BIG MAC" guy.
So, I got this job thing and have been busy ramping up on tech I am not familiar with and getting back into the routine of actually going to sleep at night. Though it has disturbed the flow of MCHY insanity, it is the best for all concerned and I DO have weekends to get shit rolling here. Which is now! Feb 3, 2012! I have a batch of about 50 cats I plan to get up on the site this weekend in all their irreverent feline glory. Look for them by Monday.
Can’t do shit on Sunday cause the Giants of New York are gonna stomp all over the Patriots of New England. I know… I know… I got lots of N.E. fans for friends, but I have to at least root for my Seahawk conference. We can agree to not stab each other in the parking lot, YES?
If you care NOT to watch the news update above, at least give it up for Manfred Mann’s Earth Band in a live performance.
You gotta love SMPTE encoding, don’t ya?
For those who have been asking me, I am working for AT&T in Redmond, WA., pushing buttons, hooking up cables, watching things go "bleep bleep sputter sputter" by the graces of some friends from the olds days. It amazes me how incestuous the tech industry is around here. And I suppose aerospace as well and maybe crabbing?
I have so much more to blab about, but I really need some sleep. My eyes are about to start bleeding from looking at computer monitors 12 hours a day.
It seems that we are saying goodbye these days on MCHY more than we used to! Perhaps it is due to the realization that there really is only so much time left and what to do with it? Well… put up more irreverent kitties to fill your desktop and mobile devices (more on that later). Here are some goodbyes for this blog entry:
Goodbye to the south end of Husky Stadium as work to rebuild it has begun.
A very sad farewell to Sarah Burke, who died at the age of 29 after a wipe-out on a practice run in Park City, Utah. She ruptured her vertebral artery after completing a trick on a half-pipe and went into cardiac arrest.
Thursday, 9 Jan, she succumbed to her injuries after being in a coma since the accident and passed away. She was a four-time X Games Champion and had successfully lobbied the IOC to have the "superpipe" added to the 2014 Olympics. A sad fucking day for the sport, her family, and her husband of just over a year. MCHY are big fans of hers. Goodbye, Sarah.
What cannot be said about Etta James who died this week as well? The voice, the persona, the woman. It is hard to not count on my fingers and toes how many people I know used her "At Last" song as their wedding pronouncement. Indeed Strabo and his wife did! Goodbye Etta and millions of people are going to miss your voice.
No one can lament the passing of the Presidential aspirations of the whack-job known as Rick Perry. Rapture-Bot predicted this a little bit early last year, but his logic algorithms were sort of skewed due to some crappy code I wrote because I was busy watching Dancing With the Stars. He endorses the Newt Gingrich now. W@W! What a train wreck that guy is. Open marriage, cheating and all the good "family values" the right-wing espouses. Losers both! Though it is not something we would normally do, MCHY is going to endorse a Republican candidate this year. More on that as the race progresses.
What is new is that I, Jim, have a new job and apartment in the realm of Newcastle, WA., which I prefer to call Whitecastle, because I have not seen a brother or sister in the ‘hood since I moved in six days ago. I am a contract employee with AT&T, the masters of all things telephonic. I can’t say more due to NDA, but I WILL say that the iPhone 6 is pretty damned cool looking. Yes, iPhone 6! The 5 has been passed over due to the screen constantly summoning the spirit of Steve Jobs asking "are we there yet?" WTF? Spooked a lot of us out in the test lab and finally my boss, Mick, tossed it into the creek behind the office, where it floated in place for two days asking "am I drowned yet?"
I have many emails asking how I ended up back on the Best Coast after my two-year ordeal with Athena Baxivanos. Well, that surely is a long harrowing story that I have to explicate to you all in some future update. But I will say that living with Athena Baxivanos for two years made me realize the fine line between sanity (me) and insanity (her). And then there is her "gym trainer" Ben Graff from the Andrews Institute. What a piece of work that guy is. Dudes… please… never take steroids! Ben Graff reported to Athena Baxivanos how they debilitated his penis to the point of ineffectualness. Ben Graff! What are you thinking! Athena Baxivanos reported to me that Ben Graff was nothing but a pile of muscle with no neck and could not achieve that state which most women would like to have to pleasure them. Ben Graff did think enough of himself to expose his penis (what he had) to Athena Baxivanos while they drove back from their weekly dinners on Pensacola Beach. But this was not the first time Ben Graff exposed himself to Athena Baxivanos. No no no. He had the hots for her and her implants since he met her while I was in Seattle selling everything I owned to accomodate her new life in Florida. Shame Ben Graff, shame! More on Athena Baxivanos and Ben Graff later, there is so much more to be known!
For now, I must return to my hookah and my astrolabe to determine the path of events yet to come! I love you all and believe that 2012 is going to be fucking awesome… unless you are Athena Baxivanos or Ben Graff. It would suck to be 40 years old and not have a penis that works!
Happy Birthday to the greatest of all time. Cassius Clay has revolved around our sun 70 times and a very blessed day to him. For all he has done for the real world of sports and humanity in general, MCHY says "thank you!"