More goodbyes from MCHY… sniff.
avatar

It seems that we are saying goodbye these days on MCHY more than we used to! Perhaps it is due to the realization that there really is only so much time left and what to do with it? Well… put up more irreverent kitties to fill your desktop and mobile devices (more on that later). Here are some goodbyes for this blog entry:

Goodbye to the south end of Husky Stadium as work to rebuild it has begun.

A very sad farewell to Sarah Burke, who died at the age of 29 after a wipe-out on a practice run in Park City, Utah. She ruptured her vertebral artery after completing a trick on a half-pipe and went into cardiac arrest.

Thursday, 9 Jan, she succumbed to her injuries after being in a coma since the accident and passed away. She was a four-time X Games Champion and had successfully lobbied the IOC to have the "superpipe" added to the 2014 Olympics. A sad fucking day for the sport, her family, and her husband of just over a year. MCHY are big fans of hers. Goodbye, Sarah.

What cannot be said about Etta James who died this week as well? The voice, the persona, the woman. It is hard to not count on my fingers and toes how many people I know used her "At Last" song as their wedding pronouncement. Indeed Strabo and his wife did! Goodbye Etta and millions of people are going to miss your voice.

No one can lament the passing of the Presidential aspirations of the whack-job known as Rick Perry. Rapture-Bot predicted this a little bit early last year, but his logic algorithms were sort of skewed due to some crappy code I wrote because I was busy watching Dancing With the Stars. He endorses the Newt Gingrich now. W@W! What a train wreck that guy is. Open marriage, cheating and all the good "family values" the right-wing espouses. Losers both! Though it is not something we would normally do, MCHY is going to endorse a Republican candidate this year. More on that as the race progresses.

What is new is that I, Jim, have a new job and apartment in the realm of Newcastle, WA., which I prefer to call Whitecastle, because I have not seen a brother or sister in the ‘hood since I moved in six days ago. I am a contract employee with AT&T, the masters of all things telephonic. I can’t say more due to NDA, but I WILL say that the iPhone 6 is pretty damned cool looking. Yes, iPhone 6! The 5 has been passed over due to the screen constantly summoning the spirit of Steve Jobs asking "are we there yet?" WTF? Spooked a lot of us out in the test lab and finally my boss, Mick, tossed it into the creek behind the office, where it floated in place for two days asking "am I drowned yet?"

I have many emails asking how I ended up back on the Best Coast after my two-year ordeal with Athena Baxivanos. Well, that surely is a long harrowing story that I have to explicate to you all in some future update. But I will say that living with Athena Baxivanos for two years made me realize the fine line between sanity (me) and insanity (her). And then there is her "gym trainer" Ben Graff from the Andrews Institute. What a piece of work that guy is. Dudes… please… never take steroids! Ben Graff reported to Athena Baxivanos how they debilitated his penis to the point of ineffectualness. Ben Graff! What are you thinking! Athena Baxivanos reported to me that Ben Graff was nothing but a pile of muscle with no neck and could not achieve that state which most women would like to have to pleasure them. Ben Graff did think enough of himself to expose his penis (what he had) to Athena Baxivanos while they drove back from their weekly dinners on Pensacola Beach. But this was not the first time Ben Graff exposed himself to Athena Baxivanos. No no no. He had the hots for her and her implants since he met her while I was in Seattle selling everything I owned to accomodate her new life in Florida. Shame Ben Graff, shame! More on Athena Baxivanos and Ben Graff later, there is so much more to be known!

For now, I must return to my hookah and my astrolabe to determine the path of events yet to come! I love you all and believe that 2012 is going to be fucking awesome… unless you are Athena Baxivanos or Ben Graff. It would suck to be 40 years old and not have a penis that works!

Happy New Year punks!
avatar

So, here we are in 2012. Are we going to die from some ancient Mayan curse? Is planet X, a.k.a. Nibiru (or Trasalank) going to bring our slavemasters to Earth to reap benefits from the spermogenesis they unleashed 6000 years ago? What the fuck is going on here on our rock?

Here at MCHY we have a wee bit of the insight! Please click below to see the MCHY Year in Review video clip. It is offensive (as one would expect) and also in the .m4v format. If you do not dig it the most, I cry all over my gold bars. *sob sob*

Anniversaries

Let’s see here in the ball of crystal… OH! It is the birthday of the King of Rock and/or Roll music. Happy birthday Elvis Presley.

One year ago, the insane schizo Jared Lee Laughner kills a bunch of people in Tuscon, AZ because he is… well, an insane schizo. Gabrielle Giffords is shot through the skull, and I do mean THROUGH, and survives. I wonder how that went over in jail?

Cop: Hey, nutjob asshole bald guy, Giffords, your intended target of assassination didn’t die. You know she was a friend of the President, doncha? You are going to be sitting around in a concrete room for a long time.

Jared: uhhh… *drool* *sputter*

Happy birthday to Dr. Stephen Hawking as well! And he is still alive. MCHY did an interview with Dr. Hawking "last year" that I am in the process of editing and getting onto the website for everyone to listen to. It is very enlightening. And ALL about cats, can you believe that?

Dating Advice – Pt. 1

Though I am only 42 years young, I believe I have – through the mystical, ancient Chinese process of failure – gathered enough "weird tricks" and "superlative triple undergrounds" to have some beneficial rhetoric that remains in the state of Cairo-ness. Stone and the reeds of the Nile are testament. This is the truth as it has been made known to me by the creator, Harleton Cheston. Mostly will these be relative to men, it works in any direction.

  • If your girlfriend tells you "I am a man-hater!", she is. For sure, no doubt. She has major "daddy issues" and will never look at you as an equal and will in fact blame you for every evil in the world and in fact tell you that ALL men want to rape their daughters and bring STDs (notably herpes) home to their wives. It is best to leave the relationship as soon as humanly possible. You will probably have to borrow money for a place to stay because she has spent all your money.
  • If this fictional "love of your life" tells you that "I never take money from men!" do not believe her, and – as an act of self-preservation – leave as soon as possible. The truth will be that she WILL in fact take ALL of your money, while claiming she is independant from men who seek to prey on her worldly goods. You will hear this crap spewed daily, while you pay for EVERYTHING because she has "forgotten her wallet" or "just needs a few dollars real quick." Understand that when you suggest SPLITTING the $100 dinner she will explain that it is "OUR MONEY, SO WHY ARE YOU SAYING THAT?" to which you will have to wonder: if it is OUR money, why does it always come out of MY bank account. You would do well to have a separate bank account where you keep the majority of your wealth, because within a month or two this person will be asking to see your bank balance because you are "…in a committed relationship, so I should know how much money you have."
  • If you are driving down the street with your girlfriend in her BMW 325i and she yells out the window to the black woman and her young children walking down the street, "You gotta kill those while they are young!" or screams at people driving next to her, "Get the hell over, you fucking ****ers!" it would be suggested by empirical evidence that you leave the relationship because a racist does not make a good partner in the long run. Eventually, she will turn on YOUR nationality and the ancestors of your very family.
  • If your sweetheart constantly casts judgements on every human within her visual targeting system, bringing attention to their race, height, weight, visage, clothing, gait, hairstyle, car, make-up, purse, red-tipped cane, and then condems them for being human, understand that you will be next on the list. As will all of your friends, anyone you were in a relationship in the past, your family, etc. It must be said that no one can be as perfect as this partner of yours. You will never meet their expectations and your clothes are "stupid Seattle outfits" that don’t belong anywhere outside the 206 area code. (or whatever city you may hail from)
  • More to come…

Happy Holidays from Mars!
avatar

Most people don’t know this, but the MCHY crew usually spends the last two weeks of the year on what we call "mental leave." It is a time for us to reflect on the actions of the rest of the planet, feline and otherwise, during the last fifty weeks. We do this in the comfort of a little resort lodge called "Hornady Springs" which is really a misnomer as it is set into the side of the Candor Chasma Rim, a few thousand feet above the floor of the canyon. Like you back on Earth we are also waiting for the guy covered in red. HA HA HA! That is a Mars joke! Everything here is covered in red.

We have brought a nice collection of the news of Earth along with us on some wafer drives to scan the next few days and put together the once-in-a-while-annual MCHY Year-in-Review. This should be uploaded to the site on 1 Jan for your perusal, approval, denial, etc. This is a HAHA on NASA, because we will be using the "dead" rover Spirit to transmit that blog entry as well as this one. My engineer extraordinaire, Johnny Sung, located the little bastard about five clicks away (Johnny loves taking day trips around the canyon walls) and determined that the rover may be "dead" with respect to service to NASA, but has enough juice to upload our content… albeit at 9600bps.

So look forward to the Year-in-Review and maybe a few more cats on 1 Jan. The team promised ourselves that we would not be doing any "work" except the Y-i-R, but as there is not much more to do here except ski the Chasma wall and scout the local ruins, we tend to fall into old habits.

One last word from Johnny Sung: I see in the last week that evil bastard Kim Jong Il has finally gone to great kim-chi bar in the sky. On Mars we are not crying on knees in wailing despair, fyi. More to come in Y-i-R! Happy days!

Pearl Harbor Day is here… God bless.
avatar

Sticking to my promise from the last blog entry, I will talk about cats before I get into the REAL MEAT of the situation. While images of planes falling from the sky, boats sinking and burning in the water, men falling overboard, their clothes alight, are not the most cheerful, we must NEVER FORGET. In my travels today, I wished my fellow Americans a happy Pearl Harbor Day, and was surprised to find that 100% of those wished upon had no idea it was PHD. The point here is that we must also NEVER FORGET the many many cats that died in the attack.

Conservatve estimates put the number of felines killed, either directly as a result of the attack or succumbing to wounds at a later time, at around three hundred and twenty. Some lived on the warships themselves and were either burned to death or drown when the ships sank. Others lived on the banks of the harbor itself among the various piers and docks. While an exact number is impossible to determine, what is known is that entire generations were wiped out in the attacks. So, while we eat macaroons and clink martini glasses to the date that has lived in infamy, there are many smaller beings we need to remember who have also died in sacrifice to our great nation.

Timeline for the MCHY redesign.

The redesign for the MCHY site is progressing, but will slip from my hopeful Jan 1, 2012 date. If you have any ideas for the site, go to the main page and click on the Announcement link. Post your ideas :)

Lame sports stuff.

UCLA! Stop taking our lame coaches! You hired Neuheisel, shame of a human that he is, and where did that get you? To a 6-7 season (total games played) and a playoff against Oregon that embarrassed the whole nation. Now you take our old Seahawks coach, Jim Mora. While I enjoyed watching Mora hold his head in disgust as his team lost game after game, you will enjoy more the money you will save on Gatorade that will not be poured over his head in any victory.

Word is the M’s have their eye on Prince Fielder. Oh boy, good for us! We won’t spend the money to get someone like Albert Pujols, which might actually help us. Good thing about Fielder is the beard. He would fit right in here in Seattle with that facial hair. Speaking of Pujols, he is now on the team of our rivals, the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim of Southern California. Since Los Angeles means "the angels", is it the angels of the angels of anaheim (a kind of chile)?

Bill Leavy is going to referee the Monday night game between the Rams and the Seahawks. He will be lucky to leave the stadium alive. Why? As the Seattle Times reports: Yes, Leavy is that referee in the eyes of Seahawks fans. The official whose crew nullified a first-half touchdown in Seattle’s only Super Bowl with a penalty for offensive pass interference against Darrell Jackson; called Sean Locklear for holding on a play that took away a first-and-goal for the Seahawks in the fourth quarter; and penalized quarterback Matt Hasselbeck for blocking below the waist on a play in which he made a tackle after an interception. Leavy later apologized for the calls. Welcome to Seattle, Bill. Were I you, I would sleep in your rental car and not go anywhere near any lodgings where Seahawks fans may be working.

Friends don’t let friends date "crazy."

But sometimes, we don’t listen to our friends. I didn’t.. .and they were all correct. This should be a bumper sticker for sale everywhere. And it goes both ways of course, for girls and boys. Crazy people – or people with major issues that affect their ability to relate to other humans in a normal, non-abusive, non-psychotic fashion – do need love of course. We would never relieve them of that God-given right. But perhaps we can send them all to Greenland, my new favorite place for those who do not play well with others.

There are certainly enough natural resources there for them to survive: fish, water, ice, leaves, water, fish, stuff. They can assault each other with emotionally abusive words and deeds, accuse each other of randomly-chosen, non-existent acts, become angry with everything that is done, said, thought, believed, written, and even worn. Maybe they will build an army and come get those of us who just wish to have normal relationships and friendships with the rest of humanity. The crazies are a dangerous contingent indeed! Should we microchip them and track them via satellites? I could write a portable device application that lets us normies know when they are getting into our proximity and we can steel ourself against their arrival. Or do we set up "preserves" and allow them to breed there unabated and then open a special "hunting" season for those of us who have suffered at their hands? Might be cathartic and also save a few deer!

"One weird trick!"

Am I the only one getting all the "one weird trick" spam emails these days? I see "weird tricks" for saving money on insurance, losing a thousand pounds, getting an extra "10 inches", lasting all night, picking up girls, getting rid of wrinkles, sleeping all night, etc.

MST3K – live in Seattle!

Best night in forever! The Uptown Theatre in downtown Seattle was MST3K nerd central for 2 wonderful hours on Thursday night. Comedian Dana Gould, who had just done a stand-up the night before at a Capitol Hill club, conspired with his friends, Trace Beaulieu and Frank Conniff to turn the Uptown Theatre into a live MST3K experience. The trio showed the self-hilarious movie Plan 9 From Outer Space to a packed house and sat at the front right side of the screen (as Joel/Mike, Crow, and Tom Servo had done in the TV show) with live microphones and did the MST3K routine of giving live commentary during the screening.

I am so geeked out about this experience, I can’t even believe it happened. As an MST3K lover for forever, this was akin to Elvis walking into a room of his fans. Hearing the voice of Dr. Forrester/Crow in the same room as myself was absolutely nutso. Frank (TV’s Frank) Conniff and Dana Gould were absolutely perfect. Their commentary ranged from current political themes to the not-so-thinly-veiled homoeroticism in the movie with a lot of nasty sexual, full-cursing, devices thrown in. A half hour in, I was in pain from laughing so hard. At one point, Trace pretended to be Joel and nailed it with the nasal whine. It was perfectly executed and I have to give so much thanks to my friend Micah who invited me to the show, pretensed as a comic event. Not until we were buying tickets did I realize that Frank and Trace were part of the act. Then I started noticing all the MST3K-referenced clothing being worn by heavily bearded folks in the entry line and I became extremely happy and excited. I told Micah that she had NO idea what this meant to me. When the UFO mothership showed up in the movie, the guys started doing the "Emperor’s Theme" from Star Wars and the whole audience joined in. Dude… fucking…

Trace as Dr. Forrester with his alter-ego Crow T. Robot.

Frank Conniff as TV’s Frank with Trace in the "Deep Hurting" episode.

Sorry, but I hadda geek on that :)

Random pic of the week.

The cover of the Lindsay Lohan Playboy issue. Coming up next year!