Saturday, 05 May 2007 : Happy Cinco de Mayo!

Yes yes, I have new cats to get up, I know. But first it is official!

I am running for President in 2008! My campaign is launched TODAY at 9:00 in the a.m. PDT in my office in Des Moines, WA, while sitting in my underwear.

After my exploratory committee (the late-night regulars at my bar) concluded that my chances of winning are just slightly higher than being struck by lightning, I accepted their nomination. After all, I do NOT want to be struck by lightning.

I know what you are thinking. How in the world, Jim, Supreme DickTater of MCHY, do you expect to possibly find time to run your bar AND the country after you win? The answer is easy my friends. My experience in running the Georgetown Liquor Company says the bar is just a microcosm of this fair country! Both are full of people who want to have a good time, forget their troubles, watch sports on Sundays, puke in the morning and hit on members of the opposite sex as seen through Beer-Goggles(tm). (moreso in the midwest)

I was reading this morn' about the fact that Barack Obama has been given Secret Service protection because he is a candidate. What does it take to become a candidate?

I think you just have to raise a ruckus on the Daily Show or the Internet or maybe hold up a sign on a street corner NOT asking for $, but it may be good to include 'God Bless' on it.

You always want that God-Fearing vote. Which is going to sort of be one of my campaign issues, or should I say... mortal threats. Let's look at it this way...

Dubya and his bin of crackpots have that colored THREAT scheme which hasn't done shit for anyone. So it is vermillion this week... WTF do I care? BUT the important part is how it freaks people out. I have actually overheard people whispering to each other, "Oh, it is threat level orange today." and then furtively glance around the free clinic to see if there were terrorists getting an STD screening. So I say, okay... if the MAN himself, George Dubya (known to some as Agent I.Q.-Zero) has reached such a lofty position through the tactical use of fear, why not Joe Average? Willy Everyman? Dick Normal? Peter Likethenextguy? or me? I can scare the hell out of people. Well, okay, mostly lone children on the playground, BUT I have been reading Revelations recently (it helps when I am constipated from traveling) and I see that there are some pretty scary things in Christian mythology that could be used to roust the country into a voting frenzy. Voting for ME, the next President of the greatest country in the world! (The U.S. and A.)

That is all. - Jim