The trouble in Egypt – a parody.
When things started looking bad for the President of Egypt seventeen days ago, I felt obliged to give my old buddy a call and see how he was doing. I held off. My thoughts were that the populace of Cairo, which is only a fraction of the entirety of the country, would take a collective chill pill and return to the huts from whence they erupted… play some backgammon or something.
It was not to be. Some demonic cabal was at work… of this I had no doubt. The air would be thick with their unseen tendrils, filtering throughout the city, entering sacred sleeping chabmers, lashing at their unwitting inhabitants and corrupting their minds.
During the last few days, I saw that my concerns were well-founded. Driven by Facebook – created by well-known Zionist Mark Zuckerberg – the crowds reappeared, as a multi-headed beast intent on the destruction of its own lair, its soul black and crusted from the residence of evil inside. I knew it was time for me to make the call. I told my buddy I would only post this transcript after such time that he would not be in office anymore. "Why add the insult to the injury?" he said.
Me: Hosni please. (waiting) Hosni, please. (waiting) Yes, tell him it is Jim, President of MyCatHatesYou. (some beeping like the call is being recorded)
Hosni: Jeem.(as he likes to call me) Jeem, I am not knowing what to be saying.
Me: Hosni, my friend. I have been watching the television and…
Hosni: But not… the satellite television?
Me: Huh? Oh, no. No, of course not. I have the cable television.
Hosni: Jeem, the satellite television is the television of infidel. You understand, yes?
Me: Of course I do, Hosni-dah. (That was sort of my name of respect for him. Like I called my grandfather Grand-pappy-Joe) The satellite television brings turmoil to your country.
Hosni: (sounding forlorn) Oh, Jeem, no idea you have. Is sheet! Very much sheet. I am too old to be beaten about my face, head, and neck areas. Last week I had a fart I thought would take my ass with it!
Me: What are you planing to do? It is looking crazy out there. You have some money?
Hosni: Well, you know Jeem. I have a lot of money I have stolen from the banks, so I don’t need Egypt-Care. My health is guaranteed by Allah and gold. ‘Nuff said.
Me: Do you still have your property in Sharm el-Sheikh?
Hosni: Of course! Do you think I have the brain of a camel?
Me: Maybe it would be good to take a vacation there for… the rest of your life. You have money, a million people are in the streets of Cairo and they seem to want you gone. Thirty years is a long time my old friend. I think you should leave and retire in style.
Hosni: (sighing) Yes, Jeem, my old friend. I have many monies in my Swiss accounts. Perhaps I will leave my country to their own, how do you say, devices.
Me: Hosni, have you thought about building another pyramid for your grave, should you ever die? Maybe put your face on the top with a large light that shines across all of Egypt.
Hosni: Because I am a Pharoah, of course I will have a pyramid. With solar power and baseboard heat. Do you know a good contractor?
Me: I will send you an email, Hosni-dah. Take my advice and get a good tan at Sharm el-Sheikh.
Hosni: I have to say, my friend, the Internets is a crazy place. I had Facebook and only had 4 friends. Not even my children. Some guys from Kentucky of your country. Now I have to go and eat some dates, fava beans, eggplants, lentils, and shawerma. And beer, of course.
Me: Good luck Hosni-dah. If I do not talk to you soon, please be careful.
Hosni: Of course. Allahu Akbar my friend and I will talk with you in the next life perhaps!
Me: Goodbye, Hosni.
Hosni: (sounding restrained) Let the fuck go of me! I am Pharoah of Egypt. (tussling in the background) What you are to putting a needle in my neck? GAH! Okay, I need lentil. Momma!
That is the transcript of my last call to Hosni Mubarek. I call his cellphone now and all I get is a recording in Arabic that says something like, "(beep… BeeP… BEEP!) Due to the revolution in our area, the dictator you are calling can not be reached at this time."
I hope Hosni-dah is doing okay. But I have to say at this moment that due to the Facebook, the Twitter, and of course, the MyCatHatesYou, Egypt is now free of their dictator government and is now under the control of the military which, being conscripted, probably do not want to massacre their own families and such. In America we have no problem with that. (see: Kent State, Berkeley, etc)
The trouble in Egypt – for real.
In all seriousness, which we are not well-known for, it is quite a monumentous day in Egypt, and very much so, the world. I am 41 years old and besides the fall of the Berlin Wall – which was symbolic of Communism, but was not Communism itself – this is the craziest shit I have ever seen. Without replaying all the punditry of the last 18 days, it is imperative to give credit to the Egyptian people for changing their country almost overnight. One thing I have not heard, from anyone, is the name M.K. Gandhi. There are parallels between the events of 65 years ago and the events of the last couple of weeks. Non-violence, strikes, relatively few lives lost, a great nation proclaiming their independence from tyranny.
We wish the best for the people of Egypt and pray to all the ancient gods that they are able to bring about a great democracy in the Middle East. It can be done and Allah willing, hopefully it will be done. What many are calling the largest Islamic nation has a long road ahead of it, but this is not unprecedented in the history of our planet. At the same time, the situation reminds us of the proverbial babe in the woods. A country that has been abused by native and non-native regimes, it is their time to shine and carefully script their future. And right now, there is really no one in charge, we know that, no news there. It reminds me of the time Compuserve was bought by AOL. The only thing that was sure for me was my paycheck and that was not even guaranteed. Good luck, oh my brothers in the Middle East! I still want to see your country. And don’t fuck Israel up too much, huh?
This may be a stretch to say, but as Jesus said, "The geeks will inherit the earth." Okay, he didn’t really say that, but I have to give a shout out the my fellow geeks that fostered change in Egypt. The Google executive, Wael Ghonim, who was imprisoned for 10 days, blindfolded, and set up a Facebook page to organize the protests, has been queried for a leadership, even Presidency, role in Egypt. He says no, but imagine getting back to work at Google. Just another day in the office. Without Facebook, Google, and Twitter, the revolution we have witnessed in real-time may not have been possible. It is such a different paradigm to revolutions past. No blood, no Generals, no armies; simply people armed with information, passion, and cellphones. Who would have ever thought?
Now, more hilarity!
I hope you will enjoy these Biblical parodies. It is all I have to offer at this moment.
There ya go! And never let us forget the great Tony Millionaire’s MAAKIES strip:
Need more cats!
I need a lot more cats. I lost one of my hard drives and need hi-res large images of your cats for a few books I be werkin’ on. Rock on, honkies! (and non-honkies)
Go to the CONTACT link on the main page and send me the goods. You know you got ’em… don’t hold back. I know people in the KGB.